The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
