I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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