Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
