True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
