So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
