i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Mom said you looked used
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
