They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
