Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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