I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
