There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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