mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The adults are the big ones right?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
