Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
