Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
