And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
