I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
