Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
