Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
