Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
