sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's shark week go big or go home
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
