It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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