I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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