My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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