I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
