If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Houston, we have a squirter
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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