If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
