It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
