I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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