Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
