I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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