Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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