I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
