her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm bleeding and have questions
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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