I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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