and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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