Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
