we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
