im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
