I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
