i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
