I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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