so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
