I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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