mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
