I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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