i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
