mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
