I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
