i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
