Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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