I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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