apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
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