So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
