totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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