I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
