I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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