Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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