Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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