I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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