Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
