I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
