Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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