I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
