FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
