dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
