Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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