he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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