She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
